Letters to Ambrose Merton # 22, 2000

Last night a UFO landed on the Garvahy Road. Up stepped Brendan MacColnnaith of the residents’ association. “Are you a Catholoc or a Protestant?” “Neither”, said the alien, “I’m a Martian.” Then piss off”, said Brendan, “Nobody’s martian down this road.”

But to keep everybody happy on the Twelfth, the Diary can exclusively reveal that Jesus was Irish. He lived with his ma’ till he was over 30, she thought he walked on water and he thought she was still a virgin.

“Diary”, The Scotsman, July 2000.