Bill Ellis | Lettrs to Ambrose Merton # 16, 1998

First e-mail message

From Rosemary Hathaway

Hi all?? Have any of you heard versions of this legend circulating in Columbus, or wherever else you might be? Some of my students told me a similar story this fall, alleged to have happened at a specific dance club in Denver, and it was a first for me. I assumed it was a local phenomenon (yeah, yeah??I know…), and then another student sent me this electronic variant, naming totally different clubs (I’m not sure whether these places are in Denver or not).

?Rose

Attachment:

From: Rachel Webb

Do you any of you guys like to go clubbing? Well you might want to think twice after this message. Just in case you don’t already know, there is a certain group of people with stickers that say “Welcome to our world.” Once this sticker is stuck on you, you contract the AIDS virus because it is filled with tiny needles carrying the infected blood. This has been happening at many dance clubs (even DV8 and Beatbox) and raves. Being cautious is not enough because the person just chooses anyone, and I mean anyone, as his/her victim. So you could just be dancing the night away and not even realize the sticker had been stuck on you. It sounds too demented to be true, but it’s the truth. In fact my sister’s friend knows someone who just recently contracted the virus in this manner. The world isn’t safe anymore. Please pass this on to everyone and anyone you know.

Charmaine

Second e-mail message

From: Joseph P. Goodwin

This is fascinating. Somewhere (most likely in Discover magazine) in the last couple of months, I’ve read about this new technology for delivering medication??sort of like the patches used to transmit drugs through the skin. The new patch, though, incorporates hundreds or thousands of microscopic needles. So this new system has already made its way into legend. I’ll try to find the article I read, but I’m afraid it will be like the elusive Oprah episode featuring ____ declaring his/her ties to Satanism or stating that she doesn’t design her clothes to fit black women.

Sheila Douglas | Letters to Ambrose Merton # 24, 2000

Peter Manual, who was hanged in the 1950s, was what is nowadays called a serial killer. He operated in the Glasgow area, from his home in Bellshill in Lanarkshire. During the time he committed his murders, and before he was arrested and tried, Glasgow was enveloped by a miasma of fear, that bred rumour, apprehension and security consciousness, rivalled only by the Second World War. People buying newspapers in the street were seen to open them and read them on the spot. Even in “No Mean City” this was unprecedented. It is, however, understandable, for the situation changed from day to day, and new deaths were announced before the shock of the previous ones had abated. People in the northern and eastern suburbs of the city, in particular, bought big guard dogs and locks, chains and alarms for their houses.

Before Manual was arrested – he had been long suspected, but evidence was lacking – the facts were as fantastic as the legends which blossomed after the case had been dealt with in court. Manual came from a housing scheme in which most of the men were or had been in trouble with the law. This made the police’s job even more difficult. That he became a hero of the Glasgow underworld was brought home to me personally by an experience I had with a friend, when we tried to get into the public gallery of the court, when he was on trial. We cut through some back streets near the High Court, and found ourselves in a world of Dickensian characters, who leered and nudged and winked, “Are ye gaun tae see Pe’er, then? Are ye gaun tae see Pe’er?” The atmosphere was one of hysterical excitement and sinister glee. My friend and I fled in terror and gave up our bid to see the trial. We would never have got in, anyway, as the queue was a mile long.

Manual conducted his own defence in court, after having fired his defence counsel. I had a teaching colleague, whose neighbour was one of the jury. This person said that everyone could see that the witnesses were all terrified of Manual and lied through their teeth. The turning point of the trial was when his own mother refused to give him an alibi for one of his crimes. One of the most widespread and potent legends that were circulated, after justice had been done, was that he had been arrested after a priest broke the seal of the confessional and phoned the police. This may or may not have been possible, but as neither the church nor the constabulary are likely to confirm it, then a legend it has to remain.
Another group of legends arose because Manual was speculatively connected with a William Watt, who had been convicted of the murder of his wife, daughter and sister-in-law. His alibi was that he had been on a fishing trip when the murders occurred and only discovered them on his return. The case hinged on proving that he could have come home and committed the killings, then returned to his fishing. In retrospect, many people believe Manual, a “business associate” of Watt’s, committed these murders too, but it was never proven. I had a neighbour who regularly drove his mother-in-law home to Scotstoun after visiting him and his family in Renfrew, which meant crossing the Clyde by the Renfrew Ferry (now a trendy concert venue!) in the small hours of the morning. He was absolutely convinced he saw William Watt in his car on one of these trips, at a time, when he would have been between his home and the fishing locale.

Stories which are hardly legends but proven facts abound in the evidence presented in court, which nevertheless add to the aura of horror surrounding the character of the killer. In one house, where he murdered the mother, father and young son, he sat down and enjoyed a meal of bread, tea and sardines from their larder before departing. After having killed a young woman on a golf course, he thumbed a lift from a passing car and was transported on his way by members of the Glasgow Constabulary, who were investigating his previous murders. People began to get the idea that he was enjoying a macabre game at their expense.

If you scratch the surface in Glasgow even today, you will still find many stories about this very ordinary-looking “wee hard man”, an image that has become a legend in itself. The huge amount of publicity the case generated and the widespread fame that came to be attached to the name, shows how a kind of dark glamour can be created around such an individual and how time can increase this.

Letters to Ambrose Merton # 22, 2000

Last night a UFO landed on the Garvahy Road. Up stepped Brendan MacColnnaith of the residents’ association. “Are you a Catholoc or a Protestant?” “Neither”, said the alien, “I’m a Martian.” Then piss off”, said Brendan, “Nobody’s martian down this road.”

But to keep everybody happy on the Twelfth, the Diary can exclusively reveal that Jesus was Irish. He lived with his ma’ till he was over 30, she thought he walked on water and he thought she was still a virgin.

“Diary”, The Scotsman, July 2000.

Letters to Ambrose Merton # 22, 2000

Indonesia’s finance and economics ministry is going to move its offices because ghosts have been seen roaming the building and scaring staff. The ministry is housed in an old Dutch colonial building haunted by several ghosts, the finance minister Bambang Sudibyo was quoted as sayinng by Indonesia’s online news service Satunet.com. He said the frightened staff pressured the government to move…

“Ghosts force office to move”, The Scotsman, July 2000.

Sandy Hobbs & David Cornwell | Letters to Ambrose Merton # 8, 1996

“Printers know how to laugh; it is their sole occupation.”
Nicholas Contat, 1762.

1. Introduction

This is a look at computer network jokes from the standpoint of the urban folklorist. There is now an awareness that what we communicate and how we communicate cannot be arbitrarily separated. Studies of the natural circumstances in which folklore is transmitted from speaker to listener have increased our understanding of both the stable and the variable features. The concept of “performance” has been applied by folklorists to the behaviour of legend tellers, for example, who may be unaware of either the folkloric character of what they pass on or of their own status as performers.

Readers of Letters are aware that urban folklore often takes place via modern communication technology rather than by face-to- face-interaction. One example is the use of computer networks for transmitting jokes. Although an analysis of the structure and content of jokes transmitted by such electronic media is clearly possible, the mechanical nature of this channel of communication . might appear to limit the role of performance factors. However, it is out contention that evidence can be found of performance factors at work even when jokes are transmitted by computer. Indeed, it seems that computer users strive to achieve features of face-to-face interaction of the sort that joking normally provides.

2. Source Of Data

Our data consists of 356 pages of computer printout paper. Some pages were full, some had as little as one word. We have identified 1,450 jokes, but that figure is meant to be only a rough indicator of the size of the collection. Some jokes are repeated and in certain cases it is open to debate where one differentiates one joke from another.

It was provided us by an employee of a computer company who knew our interest in jokes. She had discovered a store of jokes in a network which she used and, aware of possible official objections to them, had printed them out in order to preserve them.

We have no knowledge of the origins of the collection other than what is contained in the printout itself. A number of entries are dated, the earliest being 14 December 1982, the latest 20 March 1985. Since there are references near the end of the printout to the need to “remember who you send this stuff to” and to an “investigation” being conducted, it may be that the circulation of the jokes stopped around the later date. The attitude of our informant and these statements in the printout both suggest an element of rebellious play being introduced into the computer world of work.

3. Characteristic Content

The jokes vary considerably in character and there are many different ways in which they might be classified and analysed. We shall be offering some suggestions as to which features may be most significant, but before embarking on our own analysis, it seems appropriate to introduce a joke text.

An American, Italian, and Pole were stranded on a deserted island for months when a bottle washed up on shore. When they opened the bottle a genie appeared. He was so glad to be released he would 5 grant each man a wish. The American wished he was back in his hometown with his girl. Poof! he was gone. Then the Italian wished he was back in Italy in his favorite restaurant eating a fabulous meal. Poof! and he was gone. Then it was the Polocks turn. He said, “it`s going to be really lonely here now, so I wish that my two friends were back”! .

With respect to content, this seems to fit into a category which we may term “ethnic” humour, in which a particular ethnic group is “put down”, generally through the invoking of an ethnic stereotype, such as stupidity or greed. In this case the ethnic group put down is Poles and the stereotype stupidity. It is debatable what should count as an ethnic group. Sometimes it corresponds to a national state, such as Poland or Mexico, sometimes the target seems “racially” defined, e.g. “Blacks”, sometimes a group with a distinctive cultural and religious character, e.g. Jews. However appropriate or inappropriate a category might seem to us, the fact that the teller of a joke or story uses that category must be acknowledged. Thus, stereotypes of particular American states, such as Texas or Iowa, or Canadian provinces, notably Newfoundland, can be found in some of these jokes.

To provide a rough indication of some of the content of the jokes we considered them all, searching for three content categories, ethnic (already described), sexual (which included references to sexual activity, sexual organs and nudity) and computing (including references to engineers and users). These are not mutually exclusive, of course, and a joke could be classified under all three headings. Our findings are summarized in Table 1.

Table 1. Joke content

Category	Number	Percentage
Ethnic	278	19%
Sex	756	52%
Computing	48	3

We do not wish too much emphasis to be placed on the precise figures. Although in many cases, there was little doubt whether or not a joke fell into a particular category, in a few cases, the decision was less clearcut. Others might arrive at slightly different figures. However, we doubt if anyone who looked at the joke would quarrel with the general character of the picture we have drawn. Ethnic jokes make up about one in five of the jokes, a good deal more than computer jokes which make up only one in thirty, despite the fact that both senders and receivers work with computers networks. Both of these categories trail far behind sex, which is the subject of about half of the jokes. The low incidence of jokes about computing is not necessarily surprising, since a critical reaction to computing is displayed in the mere act of participation in this illicit joking.

4. Characteristics Of Presentation

The second feature of the text we wish to discuss is how it is presented. It might appear that matters of presentation which are stressed in discussion of oral transmission of jokes and other folklore are not relevant in considering computer transmission. However, even in the case of the fairly bald text in front of us, “presentation” characteristics are not completely absent. Consider the description of what happens when the genie grants the first two wishes. The description of the wish is not followed by some phrase such as

and immediately he was gone

but actually

Poof! and he was gone.

In a comic strip, there might be a puff of smoke; in an oral telling the description of the disappearance might be accompanied by a gesture. Here the teller appears to try to mirror these nonverbal features.

It is our contention that an examination of the texts indicates that presentational features are more prominent by their presence rather than their absence. Indeed, the initial text we have illustrated is unusual by its relative baldness. There are different possible approaches to issues of presentation. One is to stress the different types of joking. In this collection there are many narratives of the sort we have already cited; some could be classified as “shaggy dog” stories, others are relatively short and pithy. A question and answer format is common. In our sample of 240 texts analysed, 76 (31%) were of this sort. Many jokes make use of puns; 96 (40%) in our sample. These figures would suggest that computer transmitted jokes are not strikingly different from those circulated through other media. There is one respect in which the collection of jokes we are discussing must differ from face-to-face jokes. In normal conversation, “jokes” may emerge unannounced in the form of repartee. A typical example would be what we have termed “Listener Puns”, i.e. cases where a listener creates a joke by responding to a statement by deliberately giving it a different meaning from that the speaker intended. However, in ordinary conversation, jokes are sometimes announced in some way. The teller says things which alert the listener to the fact that a joke is to be told or to the particular type of joke. Our collection of computer transmitted jokes is by definition “announced” in that they have all been filed in such a way that the receiver is aware that the message will be a joke. The form of communication does not permit of repartee.

As well as announcing a joke, a teller may also embellish its telling in two particular ways. One is to seek to enhance the effect of the joke by, for example, pausing before the punchline, or speaking it with special emphasis. There may also be nonverbal accompaniment which has a similar effect. The other sort of embellishment is aimed at avoiding or diminishing a negative reaction from the listener. The teller may be anxious that the joke may be regarded as weak or may imply certain unacceptable social attitudes. To head off unfavourable reaction, a teller may warn the listener of the joke’s character or offer some sort of apology.

We wish to argue that presentational features falling into these three categories can be found not only in face-to-face oral joking but also in these computer transmitted jokes.

Attention

Some text begin with a “setting” phrase of the sort which might be used conversationally:

Have you heard this one?

Here’s a sick one

More common is use the generic title:

Bad Joke of the Day

This appears to have become so familiar that it was contracted to initials:

BJOD

This in turn became the subject of a supplementary joke, which involved treating it as a personal name:

B J ODAY

More specific titles are also used. Some provide clues to what is to come:

A Dirty Superman Joke

Archie Bunker’s Favorite Jokes

Mother Goose-me Rhymes

The DEC Situation Adaptability Evaluation for Software Engineers

Others, however, take on a meaning only after the joke is told:

Why I Fired My Secretary

This turns out to be a text of the contemporary legend generally known as “The Surpriser Surprised”. Other legend or quasi- legend texts appear under the generic title:

True Facts

These greetings and titles presumably have the function of putting the audience in an appropriate “set” to receive the joke. There may also be a secondary function in some cases in that the title may act as warning of the subject matter or style of joke and hence may reduce the possibility of a shock reaction at the end.

Enhancement

A set of comic verses is accompanied by the instruction to:

Sing this one to Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”

In a face to face interaction the speaker could have become the singer and thus heighten the parodic effect. That strategy is not available in computer transmission, so the instruction is used as a simple alternative.

This case of enhancement, though clear, is not particularly typical. Commonly efforts appear to be focused on the impact of the punchline. The punchline may be placed in Upper Case, but most common of all is to delay the punchline to the next page. In 207 cases, the text is spread over more than one page; 89 of these the punchline is on a page of its own. Some could be chance but, in an overwhelming majority (70), there is circumstantial evidence that it is deliberate (e.g. because there would have been space for the punchline on the previous page with the rest of the joke).

A particularly striking case of enhancing the punchline also involves a more detailed attempt to mimic features of face to face interaction. In the joke, God is shocked by a report from St Peter that the majority of people engage in oral sex. They discuss what to do; God says to St Peter:

“Rather than punish those who are doing this sinful deed, why don’t we reward those who are being good? Let us send a letter, personally signed by me, God himself, to each person who has chosen not to commit this dirty, nasty, perverted act.” And do you know what that message said???

On the next page:

NO???

And on the next:

You mean you didn’t get one either?!?!

Deflection / Avoidance

We have already noted that one function of a title or introduction may be to act as a warning of forthcoming material to which the audience may object:

Warning: Today’s jokes are real losers, so you get two

May be offensive to Polish (Is this a real warning or merely an indicative title?)

Subj: Crude, Rude, Dirty Joke

This can pre-empt the need for a subsequent apology, although these do occur:

Yeah, I know its bad
Sorry folks…

Another technique is to deflect possible criticism by attributing the blame elsewhere:

Hey, don’t blame me, someone else made it up!

As we have already seen ethnic jokes are fairly common. These might be found objectionable by some of the audience. A striking technique is used to deflect this. We find what may be termed Open-ended Ethnic jokes. Instead of specifying “Pole”, say, a choice is offered:

Pick your favorite ethnic group

Enter ethnic group here

This becomes routinised as:

YFEG

Thus the teller is on the one hand passing on jokes which presuppose the acceptability of ethnic stereotypes whilst on the other hand displaying an apparently “enlightened” outlook which regards these prejudices without a firm basis in reality.

5. Conclusion

Our findings suggest that performance factors operating in computer transmission of jokes resemble those to be observed in face-to-face communication of similar material. Despite the limitations of the computer as a channel of communication, it can be used creatively to reproduce some of the features normally found in direct encounters between people. Since computer users seek to give their audiences experience as much like face-to-face joking as possible, we may infer some degree of dissatisfaction with the limited scope for personal interaction which computers typically provide. Going beyond the jokes it is tempting to draw a parallel between the world of twentieth century computer users and that of the eighteenth century discussed by Darnton (1985). Darnton interprets the joking in the printing shop as an implicit rebelliousness related to the unsatisfactory relationships between the printers and the masters (and the masters’ wives). perhaps the joking of contemporary computer users serves similar functions. Like the printers, they “know how to laugh”, and how to make others laugh.

References

Contat, N. (1980) Anecdotes Typographiques. Oxford: Oxford Bibliographic Society. [Edited by Giles Barber; originally published in 1762.]

Darnton, R. (1985) The Great Cat Massacre and other episodes in French Cultural History. Harmondsworth: Penguin.

?

A selection of the jokes

Sex

Another bad joke from DEC… 1

A pretty young girl was crying on the wharf. A sailor stopped and asked her why she was crying. She said she didn’t have enough money to get back to her home in France, so the sailor made an offer; in return for some affection, he would snuggle her aboard his ship that was just leaving and feed her while they were out to sea.

Every day the sailor would take the girl some food, have some fun and leave. After a week the Captain noticed the sailor sneaking out of the cabin, and went in to find the girl, and she told him the whole story. The Captain replied, “I must admire that sailor’s generosity, but I must inform you that this is the Staten Island Ferry!”

Potato

A 96-pound weakling was tired of going to the beach and seeing his friends pick up girls while he was getting zilcho. So after a while, he asked a friend (one with a more enviable track record) for tips. The man said, “First, you should stop wearing those old baggy swim trunks and get a nice new bikini-style suit. Then put a potato in it. That’ll turn the girls on.”

Next day the man goes out with his friends, and as the day Wears on, the others all Wander off with girls, while he stays alone. At the end of the day, he asks his friend what he’s doing wrong.

The friend then profers his sage advice, “You’ve got to have patience. You’ve got to look self-confident. And one other thing. Next time, try putting the potato in the FRONT of the suit.”

The Score

There was once upon a time a black guy and a white guy who were friends, even though the black guy sometimes resented the white guy. They white guy always did everything better than the black, grades, chicks, nicer cars. He even played basketball better and this really pissed off the back guy.

Anyway, they both got married about the same time, so they went to the same hotel for their honeymoons. The black guy thought now he could really show up the white, so he said he would bet that he could screw his wife that night more times than the white guy could screw his. The white accepted the challenge. He makes love to her once before they fall asleep and then makes one mark on the wall. They wake up around three and do it again and he makes another slash right next to the first slash.

Then he does the exact same thing around six o’clock. A few hours later, the black knocks on the door and comes in a says, “Wel1, how did you do?” The white says, “There’s the score”. And the black says, “Shucks, beaten again… ninety eight to one hundred and eleven”.

Cheat

These three men approach the pearly gates of heaven and St Peter greets then there. He asks the first man, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The man replies to St Peter, “Well, several times, sir”. St Peter says, “Here, take this beat up old Volkswagen to drive around while in heaven”.

St Peter turns to the second man and asks him, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?” The man replies, “Well, I was married for 35 years and only cheated on her twice”. St Peter says, “Here, take this Chevy to drive around while in heaven”.

Now he turns to the third man and asks him, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”. The man answers, “Well, Ive been married for 40 years and have never cheated on my wife”. St Peter says, “Here, take this Rolls Royce and use it while in heaven and you won’t even have to pay for gas”.

Well the guy driving around the beat up Volkswagen breaks down and the guy driving the Chevy goes by him and stops to pick him up. They are on their way to the garage and pass the guy with the Rolls Royce by the side of the road, crying. They stop and say, “Hey, you got the Rolls, why are you crying?”

The guy replies, “I just saw my wife riding around on a moped!”

Back Seat

This guy and his girl were passionately making out in the front seat of his car when he decided the time was ripe to head for the rear seat and really get down to business. “Do you want to go into the back seat?” he whispered in her ear. “No,” she replied between heavy breaths.

Back to making out. After a little while he noticed that she was really getting turned on, so he asked again, “Do you want to go into the back seat now?” “No,” she said, between moans.

So back to the heavy petting again. Soon he noticed she was getting really hot anf knew that this time he would not be turned down. “Do you want to go into the back seat now?” he asked.

“No,” she whispered, licking his ear. “I want to stay in the front with you.”

Lunch

During the noon rush at a popular restaurant, many of the customers had to share their tables with strangers, since seating was limited. At one table a young secretary was seated with an old spinster. When she was finished eating, the young woman lit up a cigarette, while the spinster looked on with obvious disgust.

After a few minutes the old woman snapped, “I’d rather commit adultery than be seen smoking in public!”

To which the girl replied, “So would I, but I only have forty five minutes for lunch!”

Golf Clubs

A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, “If I were to die, would you remarry?”

The husband replied, “Yes, I’ve been very happy in this marriage and I would want to continue in that state again.”

The wife asked, “Wou1d you give your wife my car?”

“Yes,” he replied, “That’s a good car and it runs well.”

“Well, would you live in this house?”

“Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it just beautifully. I’ve always liked it here.”

“Well, would you give her my golf clubs?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“She’s left-handed.”

Ink Blots

A psychiatrist was showing a patient a series of ink blots, asking him what he saw in each one.

For the first ink blot, the patient says, “I see a naked woman”. For the second, “I see a naked man”. For the third, “I see and man and a woman engage ng in sex”.

At this point, the shrink says in disgust, “You know, you’re really pretty sick!” whereupon the the patient replies…

“I’m sick? They’re YOUR dirty pictureslll”

Rodney Dangerfield 2

Rodney Dangerfield on the Tonight Show:

• I met a girl at a bar. She said, “Come over to my place. There’s nobody home.” So I went over – nobody was home.
• My wife and I only smoke after sex. I’ve had the same pack since 1967; she’s up to three packs a day.
• My wife likes to scream when she has sex – especially when I walk in on them. – I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own”. One of them said, “So will you”.
• People call my daughter “Federal Express”. When she goes over to a guy’s place she absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
• Her high school yearbook picture was the only one that was horizontal.
• If it wasn’t for pickpockets, I wouldn’t have a sex life.
• My sex life is so bad, I once caught a Peeping Tom booing me.
• My sex life is how I like my steak: rare!

Ethnic

Some YFEG (Your Favourite Ethnic Group) Jokes…

1. Did you hear about the YFEG water polo team’s recent tragedy? All their horses drowned.
2. How can you tell a YFEG aeroplane? It has an outside toilet.
3. If an American, an Englishman and a YFEG were free-falling and the parachute didn’t open, who would reach the ground last? The YFEG; he’d have to stop and ask for directions.
4. Did you hear about the YFEG woodworm? It was found dead in a brick.
5. What is stamped on the bottom of a YFEB’s beer bottle? Open other end.
6. How do you burn a YFEG’s ear? Phone him while he’s ironing.
7. How does a YFEG count his money?One, two, three, another coin, and another..
8. Did you hear about the YFEG who only boiled his eggs for thirty seconds? If he held them in the water any longer, he burned his hands.
9. What’s the difference between the Italian Mafia and the YFEG Mafia? One makes you an offer you can’t refuse; the other makes you an offer you can’t understand.
10. Did you hear about the YFEG who goes to his doctor complaining about his sex life? His doctor advised him to take up jogging 10 miles per day. After a week, the YFEG phones up. “Well,” asks the doctor, “Has your sex life improved?” “Dunno,” the YFEG replies, “I’m seventy miles from home”.
11. Did you hear about the YFEG who ran 100 yards in six seconds? He took a short cut.
12. How do you separate the YFEG man from the boys? With a crowbar.
13. Did you hear about the YFEG with an electric car? His electricity bill is $5 for a 200 miles trip, but the power lead cost $10,000.
14. How do you sink a YFEG submarine? Knock on the door.
15. Overheard at the airport: “The TWA flight to… will leave at 12.15.” “The Pan Am flight to… will leave at 13.00.” “The YFEG flight to… will leave when the big hand is on the 1 and the little hand is on the 3.”
16. In 1643 a YFEG invented the lavatory seat. In 1645 an Englishman added the hole.
17. A YFEG child was asked to name four animals from Africa. After much thought he came back with the reply: “An elephant… and three giraffes”.
18. I’m not saying that the YFEG coastline is boring, but one day the tide went out, and didn’t bother to come back.
19. Three men called on a YFEG woman and asked her if she’d like to be a Jehovah’s Witness. “Sorry”, she says, “I didn’t see the accident”.
20. Did you hear about the YFEG who failed an IQ test? 3
21. Or the YFEG who failed the practical while majoring in being a Sex Maniac?
22. And finally…
    A man goes into an Italian bank. “Hi”, he says to the cashier,”I’d like to see someone about a loan”. “I’m-a-sorry”, replies the cashier,”The loan-arranger-he- is-a-out”. “No loan arranger?” “No.”“Well let me see Tonto.” 4

Okay, all you clods out there! So you think all those “Polish Jokes” that you’ve been telling are hilarious…and you’ve been breaking up every time your hear how stupid and imbecile Poles supposedly arel? Well, we’ve got news for you! In Poland they’ve got THEIR favorites…about US! And so, here, direct from the bars and coffee houses of downtown Warsaw, is the latest selection of…

American Jokes They’re Telling In Poland

1. Q: Why does it take three Americans to change a light bulb? A: One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough lightbulbs until one is found that isn’t defective.
2. Q: How can you tell its midnight at an American airport? A: When you see the 8.00 p.m. flights taking off
3. Q: Why do American eighteen- year-olds take sex education courses? A: So they can learn what they’ve been doing wrong for the past five years.
4. Q: What’s grey, sits on a window sill and hums, and dies mysteriously 91 days after you bring it home? A: An American air conditioner with a 90 day warranty.
5. Q: How many members of the American Association of Honest Automobile Mechanics attended last year’s convention? A: Both of them.
6. Q: What’s brown and deformed, with its insides hanging out? A: A parcel in an American Post Office marked “Fragile”.
7. Q: What do you call a TV set in America that goes five years without need of repair? A: An “Import”.
8. Q: How can you tell when it’s two hours after a terrible American automobile accident? A: By the arrival of the ambulance.
9. Q: What do you call a letter mailed in Dallas on a Thursday and arriving in Fort Worth a week from the following Monday? A: “Special Delivery”.
10. Q: How can you tell when you’re on an American beach? A: By the oil slick in the water.
11. Q: What is the record for the number of late-night strolls through an American urban ghetto. A: One.
12. Q: How can an American be certain that the car he’s bought is actually new? A: When it’s recalled by the factory.
13. Q: What happened when the American doctor made a house call? A: The patient died of shock.

Iowa Jokes

1. Q: Why does the wind blow from North to South in Minnesota? 5 A: Because Iowa sucks.
2. Q: Who do girls in Iowa wear turtlenecks? A: To hide their flea collars?
3. Q: What do you call three pigs and a tractor with a dead battery in Iowa? A: The State Fair.
4. Q: What do you call a pretty girl in Iowa? A: A tourist.
5. Q: Why do the Iowa Hawkeyes play on artificial turf? A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
6. Q: What do you get when you cross a gorilla with a girl from Iowa. A: It can’t be done; there are some things a gorilla just won’t do.
7. Q: What is the difference between yoghurt and Iowa? A: Yoghurt has active culture.

Computing 66

Quiz Time…

1. Who invented the computer?
   1. Mr Chips
   2. E.T.
   3. Marquis de Sade
2. What are microchips?
   1. What a heard of micros leave on the prairie
   2. What you eat with microdip
   3. The reason you had to take all those computer literacy courses.
3. What is a floppy disc?
   1. A painful lower back condition.
   2. An album that didn’t sell.
   3. A great frisbee.
4. What is the first thing you associate with computers?
   1. Bill Cosby commercials.
   2. Eyestrain, headaches.
   3. Annoying beebs.
   4. Three tons of printout where once there was a 3-page report.
   5. All of the above.
5. What is FORTRAN?
   1. Between three and five tran.
   2. How to get computers excited before interface.
   3. Ridiculous.
6. What is PASCAL? 7
   1. A leavy vegetable.
   2. A foot fungus.
   3. A city in southern France.
   4. None of the above.
7. When you need consulting help in deciding what to do with your computer, what organization do you think of?
1. IBM
2. FBI
3. PLO
8. What is the most important computer peripheral?
1. Bill Cosby.
2. Someone to operate the computer for you.
3. Aspirin.

DEC and the Lightbulb. 8

SUBJECT: Where is DEC when the light goes out?

ANSWER:

2 PEOPLE – PRELIMINARY DISCUSSION ON CONCEPT OF CHANGE

I PERSON – DEVISE AND WRITE FORMAL BULB ARCHITECTURE

2 PEOPLE – FEASIBILITY STUDY AND TIMETABLE OF EVENTS

2 PEOPLE – PRODUCE FOUR UTILITIES TO REDUCE SCREW-IN TIME (IN ADDITION TO THE ELECTRIC UTLIITY)

I PERSON – MAINTAIN ISO AND DEC STANDARDS (SOCKETS, VOLTAGE AC/DC)

4 PEOPLE – COMMONALITY TASK FORCE ON BULB CHANGE

I5 PEOPLE – CHANGE BULB

5 PEOPLE – PERFORM BULB FUNCTIONAL TEST

2 PEOPLE – PERFORM BULB LOAD TEST

3 PEOPLE – PERFORM BULB REGRESSION TEST

I PERSON – PERFORM BULB PERFORMANCE ANALYSIS

I PERSON – PERFORM BULB BOTTLENECK ANALYSIS

I PERSON – FOLLOW-UP STUDY (BULB MERGE FEASABILITY) ,

I PERSON -INTERFACE WITH UTILITIES COMMISSION

I PERSON -INTERFACE WITH UTILITIES COMMISSION

I PERSON INTERFACE WITH USERS: DID THEY WANT INCANDESCENT WHEN WE ONLY SUPPLY NON TUNABLE FLUORESCENT POINT PRODUCT, BAX (BULBS ARE EXPENSIVE)

5 PEOPLE – PERFORM BOSE (BUILD OTHER SOCKET ENHANCEMENTS) COMPATABILITY ARCHITECTURE/STUDY

3 PEOPLE – PERFORM VIA (VOLTAGE INCREASES AMPS) PHASE 2 COMPATABILITY ARCHITECTURE/STUDY

2 PEOPLE – ENSURE FORM (ROUND, SQUARE, CLEAR/FROSTED) FOLLOWS FUNCTION (WATTAGE, 120/240 VOLTS, VISIBLE/ULTRA-VIOLET, FLASHING, FLOOD, SPOT) _

3 PEOPLE – IMPLEMENT TEMPORARY ALTERNATIVE BULB SOCKET FOR ALREADY EXISTING, SUCCESSFUL, AND PROFITABLE SOCKET (BULB-IN-ONE)

5 PEOPLE – DETERMINE HOW TO MARI

10 PEOPLE – DETERMINE HOW TO PERFORM BULB CHANGE PRODUCT

SPLITZ CONTROL – SWITCHES, DIMMERS VERSUS IMPLEMENTATION – SCREW-IN TORQUE, RECOVERY STRATEGIES

I PERSON – INTERFACE WITH UTILITIES COMMISSION QA GROUP

I PERSON – SUBMIT TO BDC (BULB DISTRIBUTION CENTER)

‘I PERSON – SET UP BPR (BULB PROBLEMS REPORT) SYSTEM

IO PEOPLE – ANSWER CUSTOMER BPRS

I I PEOPLE – FOOTBALL TEAM TO CHALLENGE BULB CHANGERS

Boot It!

Sing this one to Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”…

You’re processing some words when your keyboard goes dead,
Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed,
The system just crashed, but don’t lose your head,
Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT.

Better think fast, better do what you can,
Read the manual or call your system man,
Don’t want to fall behind in the race with Japan,
So BOOT IT.

Get the system manager to BOOT IT, BOOT IT,
Even though you’d rather shoot it,
Don’t be upset, it’s only some glitch,
All that you do is flip a little switch.

BOOT IT, BOOT IT,

Get right down and restitute it.
Don’t get excited, all is not lost.
CP/M, UNIX or MS/DOS
Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it…

You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two,
The system says your job’s at the end of the queue,
Right then the thing dies but you know what to do,
BOOT IT.

You always get so worried when the system runs slow,
And when it finally crashes, man you feel so low,
But computers make mistakes (they’re only human you know),
So BOOT IT.

Call the local guru to BOOT IT, BOOT IT,

Go ahead re-institute it.
If you’re not lucky, get the book off the shelf,
But if you are, it’ll do itself.
BOOT IT, BOOT IT,

Then go find the guy who screwed it!
Operating systems are built to bounce back,
Whether it’s a Cray or a Radio Shack.
BOOT IT, BOOT IT.

Told as True?

Insurance Claim Statements 9

The following are authentic, un-retouched statements written by automobile drivers who were involved in accidents. They are collected from insurance forms in which drivers are asked to summarize the details of their calamities in the fewest words possible.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn’t have.

A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife’s face.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telegraph pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when I struck my front end.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the hood of my car.

When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

The accident happened when the right front door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.

I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cow.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

The pedestrian ran for the pavement but I got him.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.

The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became smashed.

I backed into my neighbour’s parked car. It wasn’t my fault, he was supposed to be at work.

Subject: School Absence Excuse Notes 10

These are actual notes sent from parents. They are collected from various school districts.

Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31 and also the 33rd.

Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday – she was in bed with gramps.

I had to keep Billy home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I didn’t know what size she wore.

Please execute Johnny for being. It was his father’s fault.

Chris will not be in school cuz he has an acre in his side.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.

My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.

Mark was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.

Please execute Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

Please eccuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.11

Maryann was absent December 11- 16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be a flue going around, her father even got hot last night.

True Facts 12

True Facts 52

When Trevor Parker plunged over a 150-foot seaside cliff in Cornwall, England, he was thrown clear of his car, which exploded in flames as it hit a rocky outcrop. Parker landed in the ocean. However, because of Britain’s compulsary seat-belt law, Parker was fined eighty dollars not not wearing his seat-belt, which would have killed him. /United Press International

True Facts 53

Would-be burglar Steven Little, thirty-two, had drunk thirty-five dollars’ worth of beer before his attempt to break into a boot store in Longmont, Colorado, so it wasn’t until he ‘began trying to pry open the front door with a crowbar that he realised the shop was still open and people were staring at him from inside. /Rocky Mountain News

True Facts 54

Britain’s National Marriage Council is deleting certain diagrams of sexual positions from its sex-advice books. Some people are made to feel inadequate by the diagrams, explained a council spokesman. “They can’t perform in some illustrated positions because they are too fat.” /Reuters

True Facts 55

Scientists at Kansas State University claim that they have crossed the tomato with the potato to produce a hybrid plant that produces tubors underground as well as small yellow, seedless fruit that smell like a tomato. However, says plant physiologist James Shepard, researchers suspect the plant may be poisonous. /UPI

True Facts 56

According to “Advertising Age”, many Japanese manufacturers feel that English-sounding names add prestige to products marketed inside their country. “If it has a nice foreign sound to it, they use it without looking it up in the dictionary,” said a Japanese advertising executive. This has resulted in such products as a brand of jeans called Trim Pecker, lawn fertilizer called Green Piles, Cow Brand shampoo, Shot Vision television sets, Carap candy, Pocket Wetty premoistened towelettes, and a fingernail cleaner called Fingernail Remover. Two top beverages are named Calpis and Pocari Sweat, while a non-dairy coffee lightener is called Creap.

Slogans, too, are sometimes printed in English, such as this on a deodarant container: “Sweet Medica – it frees you completely from the smell of your underarm sweat”. Or this on a bottle of nose drops: “Nazal – for stuffed nose and snot”.

True Facts 57

A Jamaican living in Philadelphia, twenty-eight year old Isaac Reid, claimed that he shot and killed his wife because she was practicing witchcraft on him. He became convinced of her spell, he told a Common Pleas Court, when he was suddenly inspired to watch “boring” television shows like “Nova” and “Masterpiece Theater”. /Philadelphia Inquirer

True Facts 58

According to state prison officials, two convicts at the Georgia Industrial Institute at Alto turned out eighty thousand dollars in counterfeit twenty-dollar bills in the prison print shop. /Miami Herald

True Facts 59

Police bomb experts cordoned off a two-block area around the Kenmore, Ohio, home of John Call, fifty-four, while they dismantled what turned out to be a package containing paper, candle wax, wires, a battery and a badly battered clock. Call had found what appeared to be a bomb ticking on his front porch. A police spokesman said that Call was particularly lucky that the device was not a bomb, because before calling the police he had taken the package into his backyard and beat it with a bumber jack until it stopped ticking. /Akron Beacon Journal

True Facts 60

Blandine Piegay, fourteen, of La Talaudiere, France, claimed that the blessed Virgin Mary appeared to her on a Saturday afternoon in the kitchen of the home, saying, “Hello, my child, and goodbye, my child, until next Saturday”. Since then, said the girl, the Virgin Mary had appeared at regular intervals, at least thirty-two times.

After a Paris magazine reported the visions, some four thousand people gathered at Piegay’s home to witness the next scheduled appearance. The girl told the pilgrims that if they wanted to see the vision for themselves they would have to look into the sun with their eyes open. Of those who complied with Piegay’s instructions, dozens suffered serious eye damage, whilst others reported seeing pink clouds, smoke, a golden cross and various floating objects. /National Catholic Reporter

True Facts 61

The Los Angeles police commission voted to curtail the use of certain choke holds used to subdue suspects after fifteen incidents of death involving the holds. Eleven of the fifteen victims were black, noted the commission, which also ordered an enquiry into the police chiefs remark that blacks may be more likely to die from the holds than “normal people”. /Associated Press

True Facts 62

A twenty-year-old man from Birmingham, England, died of burns caused by a severe electric shock. The young welder, identified as Mr Hayes, had apparently been drinking before he urinated off a railroad bridge and on to a catenary wire carrying 25,000 volts of electricity. Officials speculate that the current traveled back up the continuous stream of urine, delivering the lethal shock to Mr Hayes.

Puns

How Insurance Works

First insurance man sleeps with his own wife

That’s Home Insurance

Second insurance man sleeps with his girlfriend

That’s Mutual Insurance

Third insurance man sleeps with chorus girl

That’s New York Life

Fourth insurance man sleeps with his secretary

That’s Employees Benefit

Fifth insurance man sleeps with hotel maid

That’s Travelers Insurance

Sixth insurance man sleeps with woman next door

That’s Royal Neighbours

Seventh insurance man sleeps with old maid

That’s Prudential

Eighth insurance man sleeps with grandma

That’s Old Age Assistance

Nineth insurance man sleeps with nobody

That’s John Hancock 13

Tenth insurance man sleeps with anybody

That’s Metropolitan

Eleventh insurance man sleeps with boyfriend

That’s Odd Fellows

Twelfth insurance man sleeps with Charlie McCarthy 14

That’s Lumbermans Mutual

In case anyone gets pregnant from all these

That’s Industrial Accident

Mary Poppins

Walt Disney Productions is considering making a sequel to that all-time classic Mary Poppins. In this movie, Mary Poppins will come to realize that she has abilities far beyond those of jumping into sidewalk chalk paintings, flying with her umbrella, and riding merry-go- round horses like they were race horses. Here she realizes that she can predict, without fail, when a person will have an attack of halitosis (bad breath). And her psychic vision is never wrong. However, she finds that no one is willing to pay for such a service (and nannies have long since gone out of style). So at the prompting of her friends she goes out to California (where people will pay for anything). She opens a little place with the advertisement:

Mary Poppins, Super California Mystic, Expert Halitosis. 15

Boston Men Choir

A friend of mine who is a member of the Boston Men Choir told me this story about a performance he was in. Back in January the Choir gave a performance of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony together with the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra at Symphony Hall. After a number of successful rehearsals, they were all quite confident that they would do a really good job. The members of the choir felt that since they would only be singing during the fourth movement, it would be easier on them if they stayed off stage during the first two movements and then filed on to the stage only after the intermission. The conductor was opposed to this unorthodox procedure, but the choir members pointed out that they were really only amateurs and that it would be a lot easier for them to arrive relaxed rather than rushing from their jobs to get there on time. The conductor countered that they would have a hard time finding their places in the scores when they came in in the middle of the piece. When one of the baritones volunteered to arrive early and distribute the music to the music stands, tied open to the correct pages, the conductor finally gave in.

The big night came and the orchestra performed the first two movements perfectly. When the conductor climbed up to his position after the intermission, he got a shock; it seems that some of the men had gotten a bit too relaxed, down at the Elbow Lounge on Huntington Ave. They were having a hard time stand straight and they certainly were in no condition to sing.

The poor guy. There he was, the bottom of the Ninth, the scores were tied and the basses were loaded… 16

Indian Maidens

Three Indian maidens were pregnant at the same time, and went to the chief to ask how to ensure that they would have sons. The chief replied that they should sleep on hippopotamus skins throughout their pregnancy. One of them did, but the other two were not able to get one, and so they slept on their usual horse hides. When they were delivered, the one who had been able to follow the chiefs advice had twin sons, but the other two had only one son each, illustrating a well known mathematical relationship: “The sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.” 17

Odd Job

This college student was trying to earn money for school, and went up to the door of this house. He rang the doorbell and this fellow answered. The college student asked him if he had any odd jobs around the house that he could do to earn some money. The fellow answered that yes indeed he did have some work for the college student to do. He then handed him a can of paint and a brush and said, “Take this green paint out back and paint my porch”.

The college student took the paint and disappeared round the back of the house. About two hours later, the college student again rang the front door bell, and when the fellow answered, said that he had finished with the painting. The fellow then paid his agreed amount, and the college student turned and started to leave. He then turned back to the fellow standing in the doorway and said,

“Oh, and by the way, that’s not a porch, that’s a Ferrari”. 18

Question and Answer Puns

1. Q: What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a kitchen? A: Linoleum Blownapart. 19
2. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground Beef. 20
3. Q: What do you need to circumcise a whale? A: Four skin divers.
4. Q: What did the grape say when it go stepped on? A: It didn’t say much, it just gave a little wine.
5. Q: Why doesn’t Mrs Santa Claus have any children? A: Because Santa only comes once a year, and that’s down the chimney on Christmas Eve.
6. Q: What do sex and a snow storm have in common? A: You never know how long it will last or how many inches you will get.
7. Q: What’s the difference between a snake and a goose? A: A snake is an asp in the grass…
8. Q: What kind of wood floats? A: Natalie Wood 21
9. Q: Why did Natalie Wood refuse to take a shower on the boat? A: She said she would wash up on shore later. 22
10. Q: What’s the square root of 69? A: Eight something.
11. Q: What’s the difference between a secretary and a toilet? A: A toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time.
12. Q: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? A: They’re making headlines.
13. Q: If you had a hundred morons sitting around drinking Tab, eating apples and singing, what would you have? A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir, of course. 23
14. Q: What would it take to reunite the Beatles? A: Three more bullets…
15. Q: Why don’t anteaters get colds? A: Because they’re full of little antibodies.
16. Q: Why is impossible to go to the bathroom at a Beatles concert? A: Because there is no john…
17. Q: Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling? A: To go where no man has ever gone before. 24
18. Q: What’s Irish and stays outside all summer? A: Paddy O’Furniture.
19. Q: What does a woman put behind her ears to show a man she’s interested in getting it on with him? A: Her ankles.
20. Q: What is the state vegetable of New Jersey? A: Karen Ann Quinlan. 25
21. Q: How do you get a Kleenex to dance? A: Blow a little boogie into it.
22. Q: What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a comma has a pause at the end of its clause.
23. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs and repairs flat tires? A: Jack.
24. Q: What is the wonder of AIDS? A: It turns fruits in vegetables.
25. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? A: A rooster clucks defiance…
26. Q: What do you .get when you cross a girdle with a rowboat? A: A long stretch up the river.
27. Q: Did you know that goldfish are really compact Japanese carp? A: Made by Mitsufishi…
28. Q: Who killed David Kennedy? A: Syringe Syringe. 26
29. Q: How can you tell you’re in a gay church? A: Only half of them kneel.
30. Q: What did the duck say after buying some Chapstick? A: Put it on my bill? 27
31. Q: What do you get when a midget fortune teller escapes from jail? A: A small medium at large.
32. Q: What do Yoko Ono and an armadillo have in common? A: They both live off dead Beatles.
33. Q: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? A: The rooster.
34. Q: If I have one cricket ball on my left shoulder and one cricket ball on my right shoulder, what have I got? A: One bloody big cricket!
35. Q: What does a prostitute call her earnings? A: John Dough. 28
36. Q: Why wasn’t Dolly Parton too upset when her husband left her? A: She still had some good mamories.
37. Q: Who was Alexander Graham Bellski? A: The first telephone pole.
38. Q: How do you make a hormone? A: Take away her money.
39. Q: What’s the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman? A: You can’t unscrew a pregnant woman.
40. Q: What has three cherries and flies? A: Seven thousand British Airways stewardesses.
41. Q: What do you call a gay jazz group? A: Bandaids. 29
42. Q: What do you get when you cross a chemist with a psychiatrist? A: A solution to all your problems.
43. Q: Why can’t Rock Hudson get car insurance? A: Because he’s been rear-ended too many times? 30
44. Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove that he wasn’t chicken.
45. Q: What do you call an AIDS victim who has a bunch of flowers in one hand and a box of chocolates in the other? A: An incurable romantic.
46. Q: What follows wild New Year’s Eve parties? A: New Year’s Daze.
47. Q: What’s wrong with the new football stadium in Warsaw? A: Everywhere you sit, it’s behind a pole.

Notes

1 This is the title as we received it, but to save the reader puzzling over the possible sexual significance of “DEC”, we should point out that many jokes in the collection are attributed to the Digital Equipment Corporation.

2 The American television personality named here may or may not be responsible for these “one-liners”. The Tonight Show, the popular American late night entertainment show, started as a local programme but has been networked by NBC since 1954.

3 As psychologists, this joke puzzles us. Why should it be thought funny that a YFEG should fail an IQ test? Part of the YFEG stereotype is stupidity. Psychologists may argue that an IQ (Intelligence Quotient) test cannot be failed, since all the test does is assess level of intellectual powers. However, where IQ tests are used as an aid to educational or employment selection, people are referred to, in lay terms, as “passing” or “failing”. Only to a small number of specialists would the idea of “failing” an IQ test seem odd.

4 This, of course, is an “Italian” rather than an YFEG joke. Tonto is the Indian companion of The Lone Ranger, a Western character familiar in comic strip, film and television.

5 Minnesota lies to the north of Iowa.

6 Most of the computing jokes can be understood without technical knowledge.

7 Note that amongst the answers not offered is not only “a computer language” (which PASCAL actually is) but also Blaise Pascal (1623- 1662), the French philosopher and mathematician.

8 For the benefit of readers who went straight to the Computing jokes before reading the jokes on Sex, DEC refers to the Digital Equipment Corporation.

9 Lists of this sort have circulated since at least around the times of the First World War. (See Letters 1 and 2.)

10 These are clearly linked to “claimant howlers” of the sort listed above but also “schoolboy howlers”, which have been circulated since the late nineteenth century. (See Letters 1 and 2.)

11 “eccuse” is in the text as conveyed to us; we are unsure whether is supposed to be part of the parent’s error or simply a slip made when entering the text.

12 Each of these had code number attached to it, running consecutively from 52 to 62. There were no items with any lower or higher number in the collection supplied to us. The fact that we have included the newspapers or agencies cited as the supposed “source” of these stories should not be taken to imply that we regard them as genuine.

13 John Hancock’s signature stands out prominently on the American Declaration of Independence, so it is not surprising that his name should have come to meaning a signature in the United States. However, here in the context of a sexual allusion, the fact that “cock” has long been a colloquial expression for “penis” gives “Hancock” a rather different significance.

14 Charlie McCarthy, probably the best known dummy used by the American ventriloquist, Edgar Bergen (1903-1979).

15 The punchline is meaningless, of course, if you are not familiar with the song in the film, Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

16 The punchline consists of common phrases used in baseball.

17 The play in the punchline is on the Geometric proposition about a right- angle triangle: The square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the square of the other two sides. The hypotenuse is the side opposite the right-angle.

18 We have reproduced the punchline as we received it, but, of course, the student is saying “That’s not a Porsche, that’s a Ferrari”.

19 Napoleon Bonaparte.

20 Ground beef: in Britain, mince.

21 Natalie Wood, the film actress, died by drowning in 1981.

22 See Note 21.

23 Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

24 “To go where no man has ever gone before” is a slightly misquoted phrase from the introduction to Star Trek, the television science fiction series in which the character Captain Kirk features.

25 Karen Ann Quinlan spent several years in a coma; her family were refused permission to switch off her life support system.

26 A reference to the drug problem of David Kennedy; Bobby Kennedy had been assassinated by Sirhan Sirhan.

27 “Chap Stick” is the brand name of a lip balm manufactured by A.H. Robin Co. Inc.

28 “John Doe” is a standard name given in the United States to a person whose true name is actually unknown.

29 “Band-Aid” is the brand name for adhesive bandages manufactured by Johnson & Johnson.

30 Rock Hudson was one of the first world famous people to die of AIDS. His homosexuality was revealed towards the end of his life.